Thursday, February 12, 2004
Well we got the valentine's done last night - Deven wrote all of his out - both to and from names - I am soo proud of him!! Dilen wrote his name on all of his and I filled in the TO names... I completed all the Lollipop Heart Flowers for both boys - sent Deven's in with him today - Dilen's go in tomorrow... Then while I was at the school for Deven's award I dropped off the heart vases filled w/candy hearts and a silk rose for the teachers....
And speaking of the award - Deven got an ACADEMICS award!!! I am sooo proud of him - he wore his suit (shirt, vest, pants and clip on tie) to school and looked sooo handsome!! YES I even got pics of him this morning in the suit.... Of course I also feel like the world's WORST mommy cause I totally missed the ceremony (not that is was all that since I caught part of the 3rd and 4th graders one) thinking it was at 9:30.... turns out it was at 9!!!! *sigh* I really feel bad that I let Deven down - I promised I would be there!! But I went to his classroom and he was THRILLED to see me and showed me his award - gave me a couple of big hugs and kisses and seemed fine but I still feel HORRIBLE I missed it all.... I'll have to do something special for him tonight for dinner time... I am making cupcakes for Dilen's class party tomorrow - maybe I will make them a little early and let each have one for dessert...
Work isn't so bad today but it's almost over - I am leaving in an hour because my car parts are in and I want to go put them in before Deven gets home from school.... Not too much else going on today - just the usual stuff - I am coping but still feel like I am on the verge of a major sobbing breakdown - perhaps I need to just take a little time for myself and just let it all out..... I read the ladies on my message board telling me how strong I am and comment in general about not knowing how single moms do it and I am think - Why do they think that about me?? I so wanna scream - WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING/WAS I THINKING??? I can't do this! I feel like I am not being a good mom and I certainly don't think I am gonna be able to continue on like this w/the boys and just me.... Then I think about the way things were - I can NOT NOT NOT go back to that again - I was soo unhappy in my life and marriage and I wasn't really even a real person most of the time but I also read about the lives of others and think - how can they think I am soo busy/overwhelmed when some of them are facing issues even larger/more serious then mine.... But I am finally starting to feel good about ME and I know the boys are happier even if they don't realize it yet - things are definately much calmer in the house these days for the most part.... Although Deven I think is finally realizing/experiencing/feeling all the events of the past month and half... He's been easily frustrated, slightly withdrawn, short tempered and there is a slightly sad look on his face - even his teacher is noticing it... I have told him repeatedly I love him and he can talk to me about ANYTHING that's bothering him - when I asked he did say he is sad and/or mad but he can't tell me exactly what is making him feel that way.... Hopefully we can work things out together.... Me I am just gonna continue to do the best I can for all of us while I try to discover who *I* really am again.... Well it's back to the grind stone for a bit longer... Til next time...
And speaking of the award - Deven got an ACADEMICS award!!! I am sooo proud of him - he wore his suit (shirt, vest, pants and clip on tie) to school and looked sooo handsome!! YES I even got pics of him this morning in the suit.... Of course I also feel like the world's WORST mommy cause I totally missed the ceremony (not that is was all that since I caught part of the 3rd and 4th graders one) thinking it was at 9:30.... turns out it was at 9!!!! *sigh* I really feel bad that I let Deven down - I promised I would be there!! But I went to his classroom and he was THRILLED to see me and showed me his award - gave me a couple of big hugs and kisses and seemed fine but I still feel HORRIBLE I missed it all.... I'll have to do something special for him tonight for dinner time... I am making cupcakes for Dilen's class party tomorrow - maybe I will make them a little early and let each have one for dessert...
Work isn't so bad today but it's almost over - I am leaving in an hour because my car parts are in and I want to go put them in before Deven gets home from school.... Not too much else going on today - just the usual stuff - I am coping but still feel like I am on the verge of a major sobbing breakdown - perhaps I need to just take a little time for myself and just let it all out..... I read the ladies on my message board telling me how strong I am and comment in general about not knowing how single moms do it and I am think - Why do they think that about me?? I so wanna scream - WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING/WAS I THINKING??? I can't do this! I feel like I am not being a good mom and I certainly don't think I am gonna be able to continue on like this w/the boys and just me.... Then I think about the way things were - I can NOT NOT NOT go back to that again - I was soo unhappy in my life and marriage and I wasn't really even a real person most of the time but I also read about the lives of others and think - how can they think I am soo busy/overwhelmed when some of them are facing issues even larger/more serious then mine.... But I am finally starting to feel good about ME and I know the boys are happier even if they don't realize it yet - things are definately much calmer in the house these days for the most part.... Although Deven I think is finally realizing/experiencing/feeling all the events of the past month and half... He's been easily frustrated, slightly withdrawn, short tempered and there is a slightly sad look on his face - even his teacher is noticing it... I have told him repeatedly I love him and he can talk to me about ANYTHING that's bothering him - when I asked he did say he is sad and/or mad but he can't tell me exactly what is making him feel that way.... Hopefully we can work things out together.... Me I am just gonna continue to do the best I can for all of us while I try to discover who *I* really am again.... Well it's back to the grind stone for a bit longer... Til next time...
